Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ghost in the brain machine

I'm kind of at a loss about what to post about and how to do it...

I guess, I should start by saying that I keep laboring under the impression that I don't feel too awfully stressed about work or the wedding but I've had this twitch in my left eyelid for about three days now, which makes me think I'm underestimating my stress level.

This sunny Philadelphia weather isn't helping either... I mean it's late May, it's pretty cold and I'm convinced the sun no longer exists.

Anyway, I will reiterate, I don't feel stressed, there's pretty much nothing else to do! I mean, nothing major; all big vendors are booked, and we still have six months! Most importantly, I'm still loving wedding planning, the only issue has been trying to convince Kyle of this:

We had our first "argument" wedding-related last night. Those a big quotation marks because there was no raised voices, and not even really any hurt feelings, just a few small misunderstandings, and Kyle saying things like "Well, I wanted to get married in Hawaii."

I've been struggling with the whole blogosphere thing; chances are no one but me is reading my blog, but what if everyone is? And what if I write something about someone that upset me and that person reads my blog? And what if they hate me for it? The question is, do I really care?? Interestingly enough, say I write something horrible about Kyle's great uncle's second cousin, which I would totally never do, but say I did. I'd feel a lot worse worrying about whether or not my mom would be disappointed in me than his great uncle's second cousin. It all boils down to, I want to use this as a venting tool, but I do not want to offend anyone with what's really going on in my head.

And by anyone, I mean my mom... I love you, Mama, I like to act like a good person around you. Truth is I don't like most people and wish to bash them. I won't though, for harmony's sake.

All I will say is that a few names have been added to our guest list by people I do not feel had a right to add them without asking me; they just added the names and then didn't leave me any option to say "Yeah, no, I don't even know that person." Kyle keeps saying "It's just a courtesy" and then goes on and on about how he'll pay for the extra people...

This is when my brains start to boil out of my head. "This is not about money!" I say this with extra emphasis and with an edge to my slightly raised voice every time because he has said it multiple times and every time I have to assure him that I am not offended because of the money that one extra person costs to feed, I'm offended because we should be making the guest list- no one else- and no one else should be adding people without asking me first if it's okay.

That being said, I still also had to yellowpages some addresses that people haven't gotten to me.

But that's beside the point, the point is the one comment that Kyle pulls out that puts this race car into the red zone is "I'm going to end up paying for it all anyway."

He says this in a dejected, self-deprecating way. As if his life savings isn't worth anyone's bother. Then I feel like, 'well, it is my desire to have all my family present that's keeping us local instead of doing a destination wedding.' And then I think 'Whoa whoa whoa, you don't have the right to guilt me about wanting to stay close to my family!' And then closely following this is "It's like a slap in the face when you disregard the help we're getting from my parents." (I say that out loud, check out the cojones on this chick!) and he doesn't have a response to that because he says things thinking only of that thing he said, not how it relates to other things. He doesn't mean to offend. Besides, I believe that aside from what my parents are generously donating to our cause, what he means is that whatever's left over has to be covered by us... translation: him. Yes, yes, I know, I have no money, a very piddly savings, and when it comes time to settle our remaining vendor bills, he's going to be the one coughing up.

This makes me feel bad.
(Obviously I've been reading too much Hyperbole and a Half today... you should too!)

Kyle is taking care of A LOT of things. Photography, I'm still paying him back for, I'm still paying him back for MY dress!! And of course, he's paying for the whole honeymoon. Now, he'll probably get upset with me if anyone from his family reads this and then interprets it as us starving on the streets somewhere. We are very good money managers, don't worry about us! And I have an exceptional record of paying back my debts, I'm not worried about it eventually, but I think making these comments makes Kyle feel better now. I'm not much on instant gratification, so it hurts my feelings when he knows that I would give him all the money for everything, ever, right now if I had it, but I can't... not yet.

Anyway, to sum up our "fight" then, I had to explain to him that when I complain to him about little things, he gets angry on my behalf. I get upset because his dad added another person to the guest list, and he gets mad and starts going on his rants about how if we had just eloped none of this would be an issue. And a lightbulb goes off: you're only upset because I said I was upset, aren't you?! Yes, yes that's it.

The problem became that I do not clue him in on all the little gritty details that I LOVE because I figure they will bore him BUT I tell him all about the things that upset me, because he's a good listener and I can tell him anything, so I tell him so I can feel better. Well, when he only hears the bad stuff, he automatically, and with good reason assumes that I'm in a downward hate spiral of wedding planning. No, I'm just a little upset about this one thing... but I'm in love with this, this, this, this, and this! He says 'Oh.' and I smile and go back to watching TV and knitting my wedding shrug, which I LOVE!

I don't want to talk too much about little details with him because he'll get bored, and I can't not tell him about the things that are upsetting me because he can read me like a book and will then think that if I'm mad but not talking about it I'm keeping things from him which is even worse than fighting over them outright.

Relationships are fun.

My mom says, however, that I cannot expect him to get excited over the things I get excited over anyway. So what I have to do is continue reassuring him that I really am having an awesome time, and that if he's not having an awesome time, he should at least try not to have an awful time, because it's not like I've asked him to do anything horrific, like pick out silverware... yet.

What's the point of all this?? You ask. Well, revelation time: I keep saying (and actually believing!) that I'm happy and not stressed, but this morning I started hearing things!

It started out when I was feeding the dog. I heard my name... whispered... it sounded like it was coming from the basement... no one was in the basement. That freaked me out, but I looked an Bailey and she didn't seem to have any inkling that there was a ghost in the house, and it's very unlikely that a burglar would know my name. So I dismissed it even though I had gotten hot all over and went downstairs to the kitchen to get ready for the day. I turned on the radio and started making coffee... Ya'll I heard my name again! Clear as day, over the sound of the radio. No joke, I was sweating bullets. I don't believe in the supernatural, but I also don't believe I'm crazy, at least not yet, not entirely. I ran (I mean ran, like Flock of Seagulls ran) upstairs and waited for Kyle to come down with me (he had been taking a shower through all of this). He laughed at me of course but the security blanket was in place, so I was fine.

As I said, I wasn't worried about my physical safety because not only do we have very good locks, but a burglar would not know my name. And I also wasn't worried about my house being haunted, I was worried about my sanity!! I mean really?? Once is just a silly story, twice is alarming, dude. I've since been thinking more and more about it, and perhaps someone either next door (thin walls in those rowhomes) or maybe Kyle or our roommate Kenny all the way upstairs sneezed and my very overactive imagination translated it in my brain into my name. "Achoo = Ashley???" I dunno'. This kind of falls apart when I consider that the whisper of my name sounded exactly the same when I was on the middle floor of my house as on the bottom floor... as if it was coming from me and not the house.

Do I have a tumor?? All Kyle said is I better not go all Paranormal Activity on him, because he will kill me before I get a chance to kill him
Ha! This is the alternative, either I was just hearing things and I have a very anxious, jumpy, and overactive mind, or I'm possessed...

But on a much cooler note... My StDs are going away! (Sorry, I HAD to!) But seriously: SAVE THE DATES ARE DONE!!! They're finished, stuffed, sealed, and addressed. They're making a field trip to the post office on Saturday where they'll be painstakingly stamped and sent off to 52 different directions!

For anyone who actually goes to the website listed on the bottom of the Save the Date once you get it, Thanks! that was the point! Now take a picture of yourself with the save the date and e-mail it to me or upload it somewhere (facebook, photobucket, shutterfly, whatever the kids are using nowadays) and comment with a link. I'll post pictures! I would much rather post pictures of people with the StDs than the StDs themselves, because you're more interesting!

What else do I want from you? Hmmm, anyone else stressed but you didn't know it? How were you feeling at the six month mark?

Am I crazy???

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