Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Have you met my attention span??

This is a story about blah blah blah...

I was looking through Mia's wedding gallery again and came to the pictures of the speeches and realized I don't remember a single word of either of them... except when Mia's maid of honor said "I've known Mia for 14 years." This must have been mind-boggling enough to make me forget the best man's speech and then stroke out for the rest of the maid of honor's speech... so I continued through the pictures and I think I'm seeing a pattern:

This picture says "I don't care that you're pregnant Mia, I choose not to see your longing stare. I need to get my drink on!"

I'm totally kidding, I was not trashed the entire night! I am a professional!



(emily's laughing)



sneaky sneaky sir... look at me with my serious face on!

I'm totally kidding by the way, no one could hear her so I pushed the microphone closer to her mouth... get your minds out of the gutter!!

I can't tell you what I'm looking at right here, but it's not anything that exists on your plane of existence.

... it's imaginary and most likely magical!

I wish I had blatant falling asleep or drifting off pictures to show you... 'cause those are always laugh out loud, but I've gotten so good at looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in order to not get in trouble for not paying attention, but trust me, I'm not paying attention right now...

I just caught a magical caterpillar!
HEY!! Hey hey hey... this is serious business... let's get pissed!!

Point is I'm thinkin' of scrapping speeches. My maid of honor might not be there and I can only imagine what she'd say about me anyway. Truth is, we haven't known each other for 14 years. Now, that being said, I don't know the format of a maid of honor speech because I've never heard one. All I know about them is that they have to start by telling everyone how long you've known the bride. The longer you've known her, the more crabcakes you get.

Also, I think there's got to be some sort of "I've seen her in her birthday suit" requirement as well... I could be mistaken.

Is it just me, or do speeches take away from drinky/dancey time?? All I remember is that at Mia's wedding, I wasn't allowed to drink my Verdi or steal Kyle's until the speeches were over! What's up with that?? Kyle's known Dan even less time than Mia and I have known each other so he gets, like, no crabcakes, and I'm almost positive he's never seen Kyle naked... hopefully they're not reading this, because they'll remedy that.

This is how it'll go:

Mia: "I've known Ashley for... I dunno', like, 7 years or something..."

Random audience member: "Only seven?! Take away some of her crabcakes."

Mia: "... Hey! Remember that one time--"

Ashley: "OK, stop talking."

(Just kidding, Mama :))

Anyway, this is how Dan's speech will go:

Dan: "Whooooo, how 'bout that bachelor party!!!"

Kyle: "Whooooo!!!!!"

Dan: "Whoo!!! How 'bout that time you helped me finish my basement and we had to sand drywall all day!!!"

Kyle: "Whoo hoo! Yeah that sucked!!"

Dan: "Whoo!!! Yeah!!"

Kyle: "Whoooo hooo!!!!!"

I may be undervaluing their powers of speech, but the moral of the story goes something like this; Mia is the callous one, I'm emotional. Dan is the emotional one, Kyle is callous. To compensate, Dan just jokes about guy things, and I try to crack jokes whenever Mia starts talking in case she gets serious or says something embarrassing and/or callous.

Also, if Mia is in labor as the wedding is going on, neither will be there, so why don't we just go ahead and assume that speeches don't need to be made?! Less talky more dancey!!! It's also less formal; let's eat, drink, and then hopefully the music will start playing as if by magic! This way, everyone can drink when they want to, AND my personal favorite, no one, and I mean NO ONE gets in trouble for walking across the ballroom at some unknown taboo moment, ruining everything! I hope you're not expecting me not to walk across the floor at thee "wrong" moment... Because I'll have no idea what's going on.

Walk wherever you want, whenever you want. It's a free wedding. And that's all I have to say about that.

Is anyone else trying to let go of some of their control freak? Especially if they realize that no one's perfect? Not even the bride??

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