But methinks the lady doth protest too much!!
It occurred to me the other day, and I have been trying to find the best way to put it into words, that even though people say you should not have to enunciate your feelings for your beloved, all the best literary minds were able to do so... Somehow, and all their words are now overused and there's no more originality left! And I'm curious, if I give it a try, what comes out?? I've never actually said out loud or written out why I love him or what I love about him or however you want to say it.
And never fear, this will not be vulgar or sappy, I can't function but logically. So, with no premeditation, just for fun on a freezing cold, dreary, looks-like-snow afternoon, here goes:
"I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun."
While Mr. Darcy's words make the whole situation even more convoluted, he's absolutely right! Thank you Mr. Darcy!
The one true and constant fact that I can always draw upon in my relationship with my intended is that in my mind, it's always been there. I can't remember ever emoting as much and I certainly can't remember feeling for anyone else the way I feel about him.
"Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure."
This is not enough though, and I don't mean to stop there, because if it was, then it would imply that he's just been the best so far.
Perhaps I have matured over the years and this is kind of a chicken and the egg argument, because I honestly can't say whether my maturity has made this love more real or whether this love has made me more mature. Probably, it's a mixture of both, but the most important facet in my mind is that it was not solo. I matured around someone else. I kept all that was best in me, and I grew up myself, but the part of me that was able to participate emotionally in a relationship matured with the part of him that was able to emotionally participate in a relationship. He has made me very very passionate about ensuring that I live up to the ideal I have set for myself to be the perfect partner to him. His passion echoes mine!
When I stop to really examine it, our ideals of the perfect partner were nurtured and turned themselves into... us! Compromise, maturity, patience, strength, loyalty, I had no idea what these things looked like; I might not even have known that I wanted these things! These ideas molded into him - he molded into these ideas. That's why there was no beginning and there will be no end, there was only ever him.
On a more substantial tact, it was the way he walked, straight and tall, and the way he stood, kind of cocky with his toes pointing outwards. It was mostly the way he always touched me when we were talking, a hand on my shoulder or something innocent like that. But I love being physically close to someone. For some reason that I cannot fathom, I feel huge security in small touches. I don't know if he knew what he was doing, but he made me feel safe near him before we were even that acquainted. Perhaps he's just got boundary issues and I've got the opposite of boundary issues!
His facade definitely has something to do with it, because I constantly smirk to myself when I think about how impassive and stoic I thought he was. I was so amazed by the passion and intelligence he had underneath that I know that had a major play in my falling head over heels for him. We could just talk for hours!! He's also always been a lot of fun when we would go out in big groups on Thursday or Friday nights, he could always make me laugh, I could always make him laugh, we were constantly competing to do better impressions of cartoon characters to see who could make the other one laugh the hardest!
"We should be woo'd and were not meant to woo", but I disagree. He sort of let me chase him. He tried to be sly, but I knew he was amused that I was chasing him. Nonetheless, I always appreciated that he let me sort of take the reins as the aggressor in the relationship, especially because he's the big, strong, bull-headed type you would think would be the initiator. It made me feel like I had some sort of control, I was a huntress, and I was happy to have that small victory since I am now the victim with Stockholm syndrome.
Oh, and speaking of bull-headed, I absolutely hate when someone can't make up their mind, and the reason is as simple as I can never make up my mind!! It drives me crazy, and he's very very sure-footed; he makes his decision and he sticks by it and he very very rarely waivers once he's made the decision. One day when we have kids and a house and a mortgage and real careers and retirement accounts, I am going to need his steadfastness. I could go on and on about what I hope I have contributed to him, but I don't need validation that he needs me as much as I need him, and this is yet another important point in the "why I love my love" discussion.
"I have no other but a woman's reason." He makes me feel giddy and girly and fuzzy and warm inside. He's sweet and loving and gentle and gives spectacular hugs. But he's also firm and disciplined and independent. When we have a disagreement, he doesn't just roll over for his lady goddess. Yeah, we get in fights, yeah, they can get heated; voices raised, threats to sleep on the couch (we're very self-deprecating, it's never "You can sleep on the couch" it's always "I guess I'll just be sleeping on the couch tonight"... no one has ever slept on the couch for real because of a fight.) But I'd rather both of us stand up for what we feel is right, talk it out, maybe even yell it out, then come to some understanding, compromise (if necessary), or apologize, and then kiss and make up than yell at him as if he were my lap dog, and then give him a treat when he comes running back to me with his tail between his legs!
There's more I'm sure, he's got amazing eyes and he's big and strong and sexy, but I've been babbling on long enough. Hopefully it wasn't too sappy. Basically, I never saw him in my dreams before I met him. I never imagined it would be just like this. My love for him has far surpassed whatever expectations I might ever have had. I can talk to him about absolutely anything (which has made dress shopping and vow writing very hard!) and because of that, because he always always always listens and always offers support and advice, he's my best friend. He's the love of my life.
Such stuff as dreams are made of! Fine, if I was aware I had a dream man, yes, he'd be it.